quick pick me up..

Have you ever been having a tough day and you just need a little pick me up?  Maybe your pants aren't fitting the right way, or your shirt is feeling a little tight in all the wrong places (side note: how is it possible for a shirt to be tight in the love handle areas and loose in the chest?  NOT. FAIR.)

Anyways - I was having one of those days today.  Came home and quickly went directly to my reader to check out the site that will life my self esteem like no other.  If you are feeling that way and need a pick me up...please look at this site. 

I want to feel pretty.  This site is guaranteed to work.  You will be better about yourself...because, well...because you don't look like them. 

You're welcome!  Hope you're having a pretty day. :)

good. grief.

It's been a bit.  We've had alot (to say the least) going on.  I had started a post before we left on our weekend getaway.  This was it....

Have you ever heard the song ironic? 
the line of my life right now...

                                 Well life has a funny way of sneakin' up on you
                                 When you think every thing's okay and every thing's goin' right

Last month at this time I was residing on cloud nine, only suffering from minor major gas, looking for new little girl bedding and imagining how I can finally have a reason to decorate with birds.  Now, as I sit here typing this I am no longer pregnant, my mom has something 'growing on her jaw', my best friend has a shadow in her kidney and my uncle is in ICU surviving by only tubes and machines.

Note to world: I can't handle anything else.  I'm at my capacity.  Please stop all the bad stuff, ok?  Thanks.

I am only hours away from officially starting spring break and leaving on our much needed weekend getaway!  4 days of hotel paradise and watching PGA hotties swing their shafts.  You have NO idea how incredibly excited I am!!!  I will be coming home with clean pores and beautiful nails...husband will be coming home with a new golf score under his belt.  Ohhhh...the free beer, food, sun, and eye candy..I CAN'T WAIT!!!!



So, that was what was written hours before we left.  Needless to say, it was not paradise.  We arrived at Innisbrook and it was amazing.  Everywhere you looked was perfectly manicured lawn and the best part...it was all FREE!!!!  Since we got there early we weren't able to check into our room yet.  So, we got our golf passes and headed out where I immediately set my eyes on this:

golf?  yes, please.

Husband was such a good sport and went right along with my oogiling of Ogilvy.  Good gracious, does this man have the most amazing eyes?  um, yes...yes, he does.  just think: Caribbean water with a touch of coral reef (to make them darker in spots).  You may be wondering...how in the world did she notice all that in one quick glance?  Well my friends, I...am an eye person.  Always have been, always will be.  And these eyes...one of the best...EVER.

After watching Mr. O (how appropriate) a few holes we went to our tent and proceeded to drink a few brews.  A few hours later we went to dinner.  Now...if you know me, you know I'm NOT really a fan of strangers, especially eating dinner with them.
We get to the restaurant and our reservation is for a table of 14.  FOURTEEN.  That means there are going to be 12 people there that I don't know, that I will be forced to eat with.  That means...small talk.  UGGGGH.
I ended up ordering the seabass.  Probably the finest piece of seabass on the face of the planet.  Tender, juicy, sweet, salty, amazing.  I gobbled it up and we got dessert to go (because can anyone really eat a meal without something sweet at the end?).  Needless to say, I survived the smalltalk just fine and actually ended up really liking one of the ladies that was hosting the whole shabang. 

Get back to the room and I wasn't really feeling so great.  My back/side area had been hurting throughout the day, but I thought it was from riding in the car and walking around.  No biggie.  I was WRONG. Very, very wrong.  About an hour after we got back I ended up getting sick.  I thought maybe it was just from the excitement...I was glad I had done it while I was still awake...now I could go to sleep and prepare my pores for the cleaning of their lives! 

Sleep?  Not so much.  I continued to get sick throughout the night and the pain in my side grew more and more intense.  I took several showers thinking that would relax me enough to fall asleep.  I just kept thinking...if I could only fall asleep, I'll walk up in the morning and everything will be fine!  Well, I didn't sleep.  In fact at about 4 am I woke up husband and said, I need help.  We were going to go to the ER but I pretty much couldn't move at ALL.  So...we did it.  We called 911.  Looking back I'm glad we did it...but that is one bill I do NOT want to get in the mail! 

Ambulance took me in, ran a bunch of tests and come to find out...a ruptured ovarian cyst.  Fabulous.  Add that to the list of shitty things going on right now.  Ok, well...at least I know what it is and I had medicine for it.  Oh...did I happen to mention I also had an entire bowel full of shit and an abdomen full of gas?  Yeah..that too. 

So...fast forward 4 days and our trip is over.  4 free days at an amazing hotel...spent in bed.  Good points: we had a king bed, and cable.  :)

Monday I went to the Dr, who referred me to a GI doctor.  A 30 year old who needs a GI doctor?!  Good. Grief.

So, pretty sure things are getting back to normal now.  Working on changing my diet, adding fiber, water and exercise.  Hopefully that helps! 

Spring break is pretty much over.  :(  Went to the beach once with the lovely ladies - it was perfect out.  Absolutely perfect. Just wish I had a few more days of it before heading back to drama cove. 

Countdown to hell FCAT, 10 school days.

Oh...and to officially ring in the sun...now sporting highlights.  That's right baby...bringing out the blonde.  :)  Be ready world...here I come! 

empty.

 Several weeks ago I was having MAJOR gas pains.  I'm talking, I was burping like I drank a pint of whiskey the night before.  I was literally laying down at work groaning and thinking - this is it, my gut is going to explode and I will die.  Well, the lovely ladies at work pretty much said, um...idiot, take a prenancy test.  Could I possibly be pregnant?!  I guess I did throw up this morning!  Thinking back on the date...um, yep.  Pretty good chance.  So, I went home and....

Yep, pregnant!

This is the point where I freak out for the first few hours until husband gets home.  He calls and is incredibly excited about the new addition...whew!  This is the point where we take up residence on cloud nine!  :)

The whole time...since before I found out I was pregnant until now...I just didn't feel right.  It wasn't like I had morning sickness..it was more of...ugh, I just don't feel right. BUUUUURRRRRP!  Yeah, still not feeling great.  I couldn't explain it...it just, wasn't right.

Right after I found out the great news we watched Marley and Me with Owen.  Well, in one part of the  movie the couple is pregnant, goes in to have an ultrasound and they find out that the baby doesn't have a heartbeat.  I was thinking - Oh my god, I can't even imagine going through that.  Annnd...that was only one part of the movie that I cried in.  Literally...saddest movie EVER. 

Anyways - 2 weeks ago I had my first doctor's appointment.  I had met with the nurse a week before but this was with the dr.  I was hoping she'd pull out the heartbeat machine and I was really excited when I saw it sitting on the counter!  So, she pulls it out, squishes some gel on my belly and...can't find a heartbeat.  My heart automatically drops and I'm pretty sure she can see me secretly freaking out.  She asks the nurse to bring the ultrasound machine because it's not uncommon to not hear the heartbeat when it's that young (whew!).  Let's face it...I don't track my crazy out of wack cycle so I wasn't sure on the date. 

Nurse brings in the machine, and waaaa-laaaa!  I see the little bean moving (and, I swear waving) at me.  It's like everything else in the world stopped and all I could see was that little 1.9 cm bean inside my belly.  It's little heart racing away.  Best. Sight. Ever.  All of my fears, worries, doubts just faded away and everything was perfect.  Absolutely perfect.

The dr. measured the baby and realized my dates were off so I was scheduled for an ultrasound with a better machine.  We went Monday.  I was really excited because it was husband's birthday and we would go, and he'd get to see the little bean's heart racing and moving all around on his birthday - what a gift! 

Sunday night I woke up at about 2 and had a HORRIBLE dream.  Long story short: I was on a muddy road and there were all these cars around (not driving, just sitting there).  I had to weave my way through it and all of a sudden a little boy that looked like little man but older ran out in front of my car and I hit the kid.  I started screaming and then there was a voice on the radio that said, you took mine, I'm taking yours. 

it was horrible. 

So, we woke up the next day (birthday day!), went to breakfast and we were all excited to see what was in store for us and when the big day would be! 

When we went in I just had this really strange feeling.  Like, this is it.  This is Marley and Me.  I just couldn't stop thinking about it the entire time I was laying there.  The technition wasn't saying anything, which was making me nervous in itself.  But, I was thinking - well...she's not allowed to say anything, so...it's fine.  it's fine. it's fine. it has to be fine.  it's fine. 

It wasn't fine.  About an hour later I got a call from the Dr. and she said there was a note on the file that said there was no heartbeat found.  No heartbeat found.  Saddest three words EVER.  I pretty much started crying that minute and haven't really stopped. 

So, on husband's birthday - we found out the little baby was gone.  Not the gift I wanted to give him. 

Tuesday we went to the dr to 'discuss our options'.  I saw the ultrasound machine in the room and tears just started to fall.  Please, please, please don't make me look.  I want to keep the imagine of the little bean bouncing in my belly, waving with her heart just pumping away.  But, she made me look.  I saw a little lifeless bean just laying there.  I was taken to a new level of devistation. It just made it too real.  She was gone. 

So, we made an appointment for Wednesday.  Woke up at 4:30 and drove to the hospital.  The last time we did that we were going in to have little man!  We couldn't sleep the night before because we were filled with excitement and anticipation about what this little man would be like.  This time we couldn't sleep because we knew we were going in to officially lose the baby.  The whole ride there was just a terrible, heart wrenching ride.  This wasn't why we were supposed to go to the hospital.  We weren't supposed to go this soon, not for this. 

Check in, go in, and wait.  It was finally over and now I'm home.  It's safe to say this has been the worst experience of my life, by far.  I honestly don't know how people can go through this numerous times.  It just...hurts. I feel empty and just...sad.  really really sad.  

I know we can try again, but, I lost a baby.  There was a live baby inside of me and it died.  It doesn't matter how old it was.  It was my baby.  A baby made from love.  A baby we wanted....and it's gone.