Yep, pregnant!
This is the point where I freak out for the first few hours until husband gets home. He calls and is incredibly excited about the new addition...whew! This is the point where we take up residence on cloud nine! :)
The whole time...since before I found out I was pregnant until now...I just didn't feel right. It wasn't like I had morning sickness..it was more of...ugh, I just don't feel right. BUUUUURRRRRP! Yeah, still not feeling great. I couldn't explain it...it just, wasn't right.
Right after I found out the great news we watched Marley and Me with Owen. Well, in one part of the movie the couple is pregnant, goes in to have an ultrasound and they find out that the baby doesn't have a heartbeat. I was thinking - Oh my god, I can't even imagine going through that. Annnd...that was only one part of the movie that I cried in. Literally...saddest movie EVER.
Anyways - 2 weeks ago I had my first doctor's appointment. I had met with the nurse a week before but this was with the dr. I was hoping she'd pull out the heartbeat machine and I was really excited when I saw it sitting on the counter! So, she pulls it out, squishes some gel on my belly and...can't find a heartbeat. My heart automatically drops and I'm pretty sure she can see me secretly freaking out. She asks the nurse to bring the ultrasound machine because it's not uncommon to not hear the heartbeat when it's that young (whew!). Let's face it...I don't track my crazy out of wack cycle so I wasn't sure on the date.
Nurse brings in the machine, and waaaa-laaaa! I see the little bean moving (and, I swear waving) at me. It's like everything else in the world stopped and all I could see was that little 1.9 cm bean inside my belly. It's little heart racing away. Best. Sight. Ever. All of my fears, worries, doubts just faded away and everything was perfect. Absolutely perfect.
The dr. measured the baby and realized my dates were off so I was scheduled for an ultrasound with a better machine. We went Monday. I was really excited because it was husband's birthday and we would go, and he'd get to see the little bean's heart racing and moving all around on his birthday - what a gift!
Sunday night I woke up at about 2 and had a HORRIBLE dream. Long story short: I was on a muddy road and there were all these cars around (not driving, just sitting there). I had to weave my way through it and all of a sudden a little boy that looked like little man but older ran out in front of my car and I hit the kid. I started screaming and then there was a voice on the radio that said, you took mine, I'm taking yours.
it was horrible.
So, we woke up the next day (birthday day!), went to breakfast and we were all excited to see what was in store for us and when the big day would be!
When we went in I just had this really strange feeling. Like, this is it. This is Marley and Me. I just couldn't stop thinking about it the entire time I was laying there. The technition wasn't saying anything, which was making me nervous in itself. But, I was thinking - well...she's not allowed to say anything, so...it's fine. it's fine. it's fine. it has to be fine. it's fine.
It wasn't fine. About an hour later I got a call from the Dr. and she said there was a note on the file that said there was no heartbeat found. No heartbeat found. Saddest three words EVER. I pretty much started crying that minute and haven't really stopped.
So, on husband's birthday - we found out the little baby was gone. Not the gift I wanted to give him.
Tuesday we went to the dr to 'discuss our options'. I saw the ultrasound machine in the room and tears just started to fall. Please, please, please don't make me look. I want to keep the imagine of the little bean bouncing in my belly, waving with her heart just pumping away. But, she made me look. I saw a little lifeless bean just laying there. I was taken to a new level of devistation. It just made it too real. She was gone.
So, we made an appointment for Wednesday. Woke up at 4:30 and drove to the hospital. The last time we did that we were going in to have little man! We couldn't sleep the night before because we were filled with excitement and anticipation about what this little man would be like. This time we couldn't sleep because we knew we were going in to officially lose the baby. The whole ride there was just a terrible, heart wrenching ride. This wasn't why we were supposed to go to the hospital. We weren't supposed to go this soon, not for this.
Check in, go in, and wait. It was finally over and now I'm home. It's safe to say this has been the worst experience of my life, by far. I honestly don't know how people can go through this numerous times. It just...hurts. I feel empty and just...sad. really really sad.
I know we can try again, but, I lost a baby. There was a live baby inside of me and it died. It doesn't matter how old it was. It was my baby. A baby made from love. A baby we wanted....and it's gone.
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